how to make a peppercorn salad.

so we were making out, right? her and i were making out, taking a break from cuddling as we’re wont to do. there was an air of finality between our lips, making it hard to breathe through our noses, or at least mine. it was bittersweet time, us spending time together one last time, as she terminated our friendship in favor of going after something she really wanted. tale of my life. you don’t just discard something you claim was important to you— something who held you in very high value in their life— and then come back whenever you feel like or decide when it’s over just like that. i’m not a fucking chew toy. i have feelings. but that’s not supposed to be part of the story.

anyway, so we were making out, right? pressing our lips together and swirling our tongues and whatnot. i got caught up in the moment, which is something i always do whenever i’m doing something significant and/or enjoyable. my lips spread to form a smile and i started giggling. she has a very prevalent sense of insecurity, so— and this has happened before— she defensively asked, “why are you laughing?” i replied, as usual, “because i’m having so much fun.” it made me miss natalie again.

you see, natalie understood that about me. she shared my giddy enthusiasm for the things i had giddy enthusiasm about. i also smile and giggle really hard when something is loud and abrasive and the noise and distortion is hurting my ears. sometimes we’d be fooling around, and she’d just laugh out loud and scream “oh shit!” whenever i did something cool or pleasurable. my sexuality is very playful. i laugh a lot when i’m having fun. i laugh a lot when i’m in bed with someone; i’m not exactly sure if i know how to be sexy. i missed natalie and i laughing so hard while we made out that we had to stop making out to finish laughing. i missed her sharp cackle, the way it pierced through the oxygen in the room. i missed the way her lips tasted when she laughed. god, did i ever miss natalie that night.

so i just laughed to myself and finished making out with the girl i was talking about before. and then she left. and i stood alone in the street like a discarded chew toy. tale of my life.


  1. small-horror said: i noticed this weekend that when i kiss ryan, i take little breaks and smile while i kiss him. i can’t help it. i think it’s much nicer with laughing and smiling happening.
  2. douglasmartini posted this