the key to life is happiness, right? like, that’s what they distill from all of that high-minded philosophy rhetoric to make it digestible for all of us, right? i mean, i guess being happy feels great, maybe even the greatest feeling a human being could have. but then there’s love, there’s preserving an interpersonal relationship for what is supposed to be a long time, through thick and thin, sleet, hail, snow, sickness and health and whatnot. that a person can make you happy and that could last forever. and then it doesn’t last forever, and then it’s either maim or be maimed. that part is where love is a zero-sum game, that part where a boat is sinking and somebody’s going to drown. whether they eventually get rescued is non-applicable here.
i’m still up in the air as far as whether or not i think everybody deserves to be happy, especially after they do selfish, selfish things that hurt incredible, loyal people who would jump in front of a bus for someone. not someone, them. i think those people deserve to be happy, the ones who hurt in love because they feel that they can make things work. not the ones who “have tried everything,” but the ones who aren’t done trying shit.
maybe love is a scene where there will always be a sadist and a masochist. i was taught when i was really young that sufferance is one of the highest forms of honor, because you always get what they take from you. but what if the wrong people get it? what if the rewards aren’t transferred to its rightful owners? what if you keep loving the world and everybody in your life and trying to work on your life and you still end up the masochist who is left with the bag? it just feels like taking constant emotional punishment from person after person gets exhausting, and that’s when people give up.
i almost gave up. natalie did give up. but natalie forgot about me when she thought about the punishment of her life. i would have done anything. i wasn’t done trying shit. i was there to make her try to feel whole, and she didn’t. and now she’s gone. and now all the others are gone. except for the people you love who won’t get close enough to you to do you any harm.
you need to know that i won’t hurt you unless you hurt me, and then i will only hurt you by leaving and never coming back.
and maybe i’ll tell you you don’t deserve to be happy. but i won’t mean it.
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